I Hate How Much I Love You
by Ms. Teavee
Summary: Basically, a story about Ziva's feelings about Tony throughout different stages in their complicated relationship. Starts with the episode, "Family." Enjoy and please review!
1. Family

"_These are called feelings, Ziva."_

Ziva David slammed the door of the women's restroom shut, quickly scanning the room for others and upon finding none, slumped onto the edges of the sink. She grasped them so hard her knuckles turned white, her breath coming in ragged gasps. She'd felt better than this after swimming the English Channel.

Tony had just blatantly expressed how little he cared for her.

_"You are still deeply troubled."_

She wished she'd never said that. What the hell was the matter with her? Why couldn't she just leave people alone? She blamed her Mossad training-without it, she wouldn't have the urge to read people and push to get to the bottom of everything she did not know…

_"Feelings you need to let go."  
_How did she expect him to respond to that? Of course he would say oppose her. Did she think that he was going to gather her up in his arms or something? Or say that he loved her all along and that he was willing to let go of his love for Jeanne for her.

Of course not.

Anthony DiNozzo was bound to say something stupid, to make some smartass comment that would make her feel stupid and regret ever caring. But she did care. She couldn't stop caring.

Ziva David loved Tony DiNozzo, not DiNardo.

And she hated it.


	2. Designated Target

_"Do you ever think about soul mates?"_

Months later, Ziva sat expressionless on the couch of her apartment, staring at the brick wall before her. Tony had led her on. She thought he was beginning to love her when…

"_They were on decka, right?"_

In fury, she slammed her hand onto the armrest. How dare he make a fool of her! How dare he rip her heart out once again. She was Mossad and nothing could hurt her, so why did Tony suddenly have that privilege? He was her soul mate, she knew it.

Through out her many dates and few one-night-stands, Ziva knew that she could never be as happy with anyone as she was with Tony. Everything about him made her want to melt.

His voice…irresistible.

His smell…intoxicating.

His presence…too much to bear.

"I love you," she muttered angrily to the image of him she had in her mind.

There suddenly came a knocking on her door and when she answered it, she couldn't help but smile.

"Tony."

"Ziva," he said, walking in uninvited.

"What are you doing here?"

"Figured you needed a movie night," he said, making popcorn in her microwave. "You seemed pretty broken up about this case."

"I was _not_!" she argued. Her stared at her, raising his eyebrows. She matched his glare.

"I can leave," he said, turning back to the food to watch it heat.

"Do not be silly," she said, making room for him on the couch. Her heart leaped at the prospect of him sitting beside her.

"_Don't_," he muttered. "It's _don't_ be silly."

"Excuse me?"

"Contractions, Ziva!"

The Israeli rolled her eyes as the topic resurfaced, and she stuck her tongue out at her partner. Tony merely shook his head and the one-bedroom apartment was silent except for the popping of their movie snack.

Did he find her annoying?

When the popcorn was done and two beers were pulled out, Tony slipped the DVD into the player and sat down.

"What are we watching?" she asked him.

"Pulp Fiction," he said, the corners of his mouth turning up in a slight grin.

"I love that movie."

"I know."

_I love you, too_, Ziva thought, and ached to say aloud.


	3. Corporal Punishment

_"You really like him_."

The words cut through her like a knife.

Ziva had expected Tony to be jealous of her and Damon Worth. Jealous that she had feelings for the corporal. Jealous that it wasn't him.

But if he did, he sure had a crappy way of showing it.

For about a month, Tony had been visiting her apartment every Tuesday night for a movie and pizza. The Mossad Officer had never really identified the pattern until this week, this strange, lonely week. Before this week they seemed to be spending every night together. Mondays were at his place, Tuesdays hers, Wednesdays at McGee's, Thursdays at Abby's, and Fridays the entire team would go out for drinks. No, no pattern had been identified at all…

Until he didn't show up at McGee's last Wednesday, or Abby's on Thursday, or their favorite bar on Friday, wasn't home yesterday, and now, this week…

The utter lack of his light presence hung in the air like smoke, threatening to choke her.

Did Tony just not care? Or was he busy this week, painfully unaware of the emotional turmoil he'd been putting her in?

Suddenly the doorbell rang, shocking Ziva out of her thoughts. Her heart skipped a beat and she nearly threw the door open in fury.

"Hey," said Tony, and Ziva had an idea. She did her best to look slightly crestfallen.

"What?" he asked, walking in, once again without invitation. "Disappointed to see me?"

"Not at all," she said. "Just…expecting someone else."

"Really? Like who?"

That was supposed to make him jealous. Why didn't it make him jealous?

"Jimmy Palmer was supposed to stop by," she lied. "I lent him _The Sound of Music_ and he never returned it."

Tony chuckled, muttering "Autopsy Gremlin" softly under his breath.

Ziva leaned up against the counter, watching Tony watch the popcorn.

"I thought you were dead or something," she said with a hint of amusement.

He looked at her in surprise. "You saw me at work today."

"It's an expression, a stupid American idiom," she said, and he grinned. "What I meant is that you have not been around at all this week."

His smile immediately became fixed. "I don't know what you're talking about."  
"Abby's place, McGee's," she began, trying her hardest to keep her vice level. "The bar, my apartment, _your_ apartment…You have not seemed to be around."

"I was busy," he said stiffly, grabbing the popcorn and putting it in a bowl all in one movement. He walked towards the couch, tossing the microwave bag in the trash as he went. Ziva followed him.

Was he mad? What was going on? Constant control-she needed to take control of this situation immediately. But her emotions got the better of her.

"Or do you just not want to see us?" she interrogated further.

"Of course not!" he replied, appalled. "Don't ever think that!"

"How can I not think that when~"

By now, they were shouting.

"No, Ziva, just listen to me!"

"No, you listen to me!"

"Tony~"

"Ziva, I~!"

"You don't care about me, do you?" she asked, her voice overpowering his.

And it was silent except for the sound of her panting. Ziva could see the pain written on her partner's face but she didn't care at the moment. He hurt her. He hurt her everyday just by looking at her, talking to her, flirting especially. The way she loved him so much and he was blind to it tortured her…

"You don't know how wrong you are," he finally said in a low voice. "I've risked my life for you. For God's sake, we're partners, Ziva."

"So start acting like it," she said in almost a growl. His expression immediately changed, and she read it without flaw.

"I am not overreacting," she said indignantly.

He smiled slightly. "Oh, really? It pissed you off that much that I didn't show up to hang out for a week?"

"What pissed me off is that you went to work without an explanation every day," she said smoothly. "I stood outside your apartment waiting for you yesterday."

The guilt on his face was quickly replaced with surprise. "You didn't pick the lock?"

"Alright, so I waited outside, and _then_ inside your apartment for over an hour," she admitted. He laughed.

"What were you so busy doing, by the way?" she asked out of curiosity.

More silence.

"Alright, well I brought _Die Hard_," he said, changing the subject. "I think you'll love it. Lots of kick-ass fighting. What do you think?"

"Sure," she said numbly, narrowing her eyes at him in suspicion but dropping the subject anyway.

As the film began, several thoughts ran through her head about Tony, including his mysterious whereabouts. Was he with another woman? Probably. She winced at the thought.

"Ziva?" Tony asked her quite suddenly when they were halfway through the movie.

"Tony?"

"I'm sorry about Corporal Worth."

"There is nothing to be sorry about," she said after a moment, and she wasn't completely lying.

It wasn't that she didn't have strong feelings for Worth, because she did. However, she didn't love him, or at least, not as much as she did Tony. There was no possible way that Ziva could imagine herself happier with anyone than she would be with Tony. Worth was only a distraction, someone to help her get Tony off her mind…

Too bad it didn't work.


End file.
